Shame: An Invitation to Tune In to Our Bodies
“Shame can be defined as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” (Brown, 2008)
Like all other emotions, feeling shame is part of being human. Within the reality that shame exists for all of us, my hope for my clients is to learn how to recognize and move through shame in ways that allows them to maintain authenticity and grow from their experiences - that is, to build shame resilience. Often, shame begets shame, which means that my work with clients often focuses on getting curious about shame cycles that keep them feeling stuck and moving slowly toward repair and connection with self and others.
Similar to other emotions, shame has physiological symptoms. That is to say - shame shows up in our bodies. I remember learning this for the first time while co-leading a process group several years ago, and only then beginning to slowly notice the ways my body was experiencing the feeling of shame. Face flushed, feeling frozen, sinking stomach. So, how do we survive shame in a way that maintains our authenticity and allows us to grow from our experiences? According to research, building lasting shame resilience actually begins with tuning in to the sensations that shame stirs in our bodies.
Some common physical signs of shame may include, but are not limited to:
Dry mouth
Time slowing down
Flushed face
Heart racing
Looking down or away
Hiding
Tunnel vision
Running away
Fidgeting
Silence
Onset of a major depressive episode
Intrusive thoughts attacking self-worth
Research has shown us that, over time, painful moments of shame can actually be transformed into invitations to tune in and offer empathy to these tender parts of ourselves that so often hear the message, “you are not enough.”
One way to start recognizing shame in your body is by finishing this statement:
I physically feel shame in/on my___________________________________.
I know I’m in shame when I feel _________________________________.
If you find yourself wanting extra support while recognizing shame and building shame resilience, you may consider speaking with a trusted mental health professional or another trusted support system.
Shame resilience is defined as: “Being able to recognize shame and move through it while maintaining our authenticity and growing from our experiences.” Some ways that I build shame resilience for myself is speaking shame aloud when I notice it creeping in, identifying the messages that shame sends my way, and taking the deepest breath I’ve taken all day. Building shame resilience is possible, and you don’t have to do it alone.
For more information on shame and how to build shame resilience, visit these resources:
Books:
I Thought it was Just Me, But it Isn’t: Making the Journey from “What will People Think?” to “I am Enough” by Brené Brown, PhD
The Soul of Shame, by Curt Thompson, MD
The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown, PhD
Video/Audio resources:
The Power of Vulnerability, Brené Brown, PhD
Listening to Shame, Brené Brown, PhD
Self-compassion Guided Practices, Dr. Kristen Neff
Toward wholeness,
Kiani Yiu